Hop, Skip, and a Jump
by FluffyPizzaPie
Summary: …to Another Dimension. Honestly, Wheeljack really needs to stop testing his creations on the battlefield. It inevitably leads to bad things…like, for instance, sending both the Autobots and the Decepticons to a different dimension and getting them stuck in toys. [Cliché premise, but I had to do it.] (Prequel, of sorts, to Fixit)
1. Marie Josephina Callahan

Marie Josephina Callahan

" _AuntieAuntieAuntie look! Lookit what I made!"_

"… _ **it's very nice, Marie. What…is this glass?"**_

" _Yep! Unca Cal an' PopPop helped me make it!"_

" _ **Well, that was very nice of your sucker- er, I mean uncles. Yeah. Totally."**_

* * *

"See you later, Rie!"

Marie tossed a farewell over her shoulder to her coworkers as she left the restaurant, finally done with her shift. Overtime sucked, _especially_ on a holiday weekend.

Well, at least she got to see Uncle Cal again. Even if they'd probably end up ordering pizza when the man inevitably burned their Thanksgiving dinner.

Barely catching the bus in time, the nineteen year old woman pulled out her iPod to stave off boredom till she got home to the scrapyard.

* * *

" _Decepticons, attack!"_

" _Blue, look out!"_

" _Prime, they're flanking us!"_

" _Where's Wheeljack!?"_

* * *

Tiredly pushing open the gate, Marie walked into the junkyard. She moved towards the house, carefully not looking to the left. There wasn't anything there anymore but an empty field, but everytime she looked at it she was transported back to that awful night…the night when she lost her best friend.

"Uncle, I'm back! And you'd better be in the kitchen, because if you burn the house again trying to cook, I swear-!"

"I DIDN'T DO IT!"

Marie facepalmed at the frantic, guilty reply. "Primus help me-!" she muttered before stalking towards the kitchen. "WHAT DID YOU DO NOW, YOU FRAGGER!?"

"NOTHING!" A panicking, ruffled-looking older man suddenly appeared in her path, blocking her view of the undoubtedly ruined kitchen. "NOTHING HAPPENED, NOTHING TO SEE HERE-!"

"STOP SHOUTING IN MY FACE, SLAGGER!"

"THEN YOU STOP SHOUTING IN MINE!"

"JAMES MARSHALL CALLAHAN, MOVE YOUR KITCHEN-DESTROYING AFT OUT OF MY WAY OR SO HELP ME-!"

"WHAT, KITCHEN, NO! THERE'S NO NEED TO GO TO THE KITCHEN, WHAT KITCHEN, THERE'S NO KITCHEN HERE!"

Marie paused in her efforts to shove the solidly-built man out of her way, giving him a flat look instead. The older redhead winced. He'd never been a very good liar and he knew it.

"You completely destroyed the kitchen, didn't you."

Callahan offered her a sheepish grin. "…oops?"

* * *

" _Why the frag aren't the Cons retreating?! We're kicking their afts!"_

" _Hang on, where'd Skywarp go?"_

" _Wheeljack, what is that!?"_

" _Die, Autoscum!"_

" _No wait don't touch that-!"_

" _FRAG!"_

* * *

Marie just stood there, face buried in her hands. The kitchen was charred and blackened. Remnants of a poor, exploding turkey were all over the walls and ceiling. Cranberry sauce splattered all over the floor made it look like a gruesome crime scene. She didn't even _want_ to know what happened to the vegetables. She had a suspicion they were the lumpy pile buried in a mountain of fire retardant covering the kitchen island.

Callahan fidgeted nervously next to her. "…I was going to clean it up before you got home, but…"

"…but?" she inquired slowly, almost certain she'd regret asking.

She was right.

"…the rice may have spontaneously combusted," the man muttered quietly.

Marie groaned. Why her?

* * *

" _Oh frag oh frag oh frag-!"_

" _WHAT THE SLAG, WHEELJACK!"_

" _I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!"_

" _PRIME! WHAT DID YOUR PET MENACE DO NOW!?"_

* * *

"Yay, pizza on Thanksgiving," Marie muttered to herself as she finished mopping up the last of the mess. Callahan had gone up front to wait for the pizza guy. "Primus, I miss Auntie's food…"

 _THUD._

The redhead jumped at the sudden sound from upstairs. She scowled suspiciously, gripping the mop tighter. "What was…?"

 _CRASH._

She threw her hands up in the air in frustration. "If Uncle Cal forgot to close the window and the stupid squirrels got in _again_ , I swear to Primus-!" she ranted as she grabbed a broom from the hall closet and stalked towards the stairs. Taking them three at a time, the young woman jogged down the hall to…her Auntie's old room? Why would Uncle Cal have gone in there? She was the only one who went in there, and that was only to dust Auntie Fisa's massive collection of Transformers figurines…

Flattening herself against the wall next to the door covered in cybertronian glyphs, Marie carefully reached out and slowly pushed the door open. A rush of panicking voices and the sounds of battle greeted her as the soundproofing was broken. She paused in confusion before slowly peering around the door…

…and then promptly forgot about hiding herself as she gaped in shock.

Auntie's Transformers collection… _was alive._

What the bloody fucking hell!?

Little jets were zooming around the room, attempting to dislodge the bright red and yellow bots attached to their backs. Tiny cars were skidding across the floor, interspersed with bots shooting at each other from whatever cover they had managed to find. And up on the shelf…

"NO!" Marie yelled, diving into and across the room to catch a picture that a grappling pair of bots knocked off the shelf over the window. She barely managed to catch the embossed glass before had an intimate meeting with the floor. The redhead sighed in relief, sitting up and cradling the picture gently. And then she realized the room was totally silent.

She looked up…and her gray eyes landed on the still forms of bots all staring at her in shock.

* * *

 _A/N: Cliffhanger! Muahaha!_

 _And the first chapter of Marie's story is up. I'm probably going to focus mostly on this instead of Primus' Handyman for a while. Mostly because the stupid plot Z-bunny WON'T SHUT UP._


	2. Baseball

Baseball

" _ **Now, several things you should always have because you never know when they'll come in handy. Go."**_

" _Umm…pepper spray? An'…flashlight!"_

" _ **Good. What else?"**_

" _Swiss army knife…heavy wrench…oh, an' an air horn!"_

" _ **That's a good start, sweetspark. Keep going."**_

* * *

Silence reigned.

And then a bitty purple and black jet broke the frozen tableau. "AHHHH! GIANT SQUISHY! IT'S GOING TO EAT US!" it screeched in fear.

Marie jumped as the entire room burst into noise. The only good thing about the cacophony, to the ginger, was that everyone was too astonished to continue fighting. She had to resist a facepalm at Sky…warp? Yeah, Skywarp's assumption. Why the frag would she eat them?

A couple of bots seemed to be glitching as they took in the situation. Marie bit back a slightly hysterical giggle as a bot she recognized as Prowl went down.

"Um, excuse me? Hello? Um…" she scowled as she tried to get their attention. Then she reached down to her pocket, pulled out her mini air horn, and blared it.

The bots all yelped, clapping her servos over their audios as their attention snapped back to her. _And that is why Auntie Fisa taught me to always carry an air horn,_ the ginger thought smugly.

"Are you done panicking now?" she asked wryly. "Because I'd really like some answers as to what's going on, and I'm sure most of you do too."

"WHAT DID YOU DO, YOU FRAGGER!?" someone snarled from next to the bed.

"It wasn't supposed to do this, it was just supposed to stun the Decepticons for capture! I don't know how we got miniaturized!" a cringing bot she recognized as Wheeljack protested as a white and red bot came after him with a wrench.

"You're not miniaturized, you're in toys. And probably in an alternate universe, too," Marie added, distracting the wrathful medic. Oh wait, that was Ratchet, wasn't it?

More noise broke out. Marie rolled her eyes and blared her horn again.

"STOP DOING THAT, FEMME!" Ratchet roared.

"Then stop talking all at once. Nothing will ever get figured out, otherwise."

"Miss…?" a tall red and blue bot stepped forwards.

"Oh. Um, I'm Marie," the ginger blushed at her oversight.

"Ms. Marie. I am Optimus Prime-"

"I know," she said before realizing she just interrupted him. "Er, sorry-"

"SHE'S A SPY! SHE'S GOING TO OFFLINE US ALL AND-"

 _"SHUT UP!"_ Marie roared at the bitty Red Alert, who promptly screamed and hid behind his partner. (His name had something to do with fire, she knew that much…) "Primus, is it too much to ask that we have a calm and rational discussion without people _freaking out every single fraggin' second!?"_

The bots closest to her backed away warily. Optimus looked like he wanted to do the same, but didn't quite dare.

Marie closed her eyes and took a deep breath, running her hand through her shoulder-length hair. "…right. Sorry," she added grudgingly. "It's just…it's been a long day, and discovering Auntie Fisa's prized collection of bots has suddenly come to life isn't helping. Sorry."

"...that's quite alright," Optimus said soothingly. "I-"

"WHAT THE BLOODY FUCKIN' HELL!?" her uncle suddenly shouted from downstairs, causing everyone to jump.

"UNCLE CAL? WHAT'S WRONG?" Marie put the embossed glass down on the bed and got up to move to the door.

"GOD FUCKIN' DAMN- MARIE, DID YOU ACCIDENTALLY- FUCK!- ACTIVATE ANOTHER OF FIXER'S PROJECTS!? BECAUSE I AM THROUGHLY FED UP- OW!- WITH BEING DIVEBOMBED- DAMNIT!- BY TINY FUCKIN' JETS!"

The woman gave into the urge to facepalm as she heard what was unmistakably Skywarp's voice calling out war cries.

"Yah bes' stay back, sweetspark," came a voice from next to her feet as several Autobots moved past her into the hall. "We'll handle this."

"Thanks-" she glanced down, "-Jazz, but I'd much prefer to handle this myself." That said, she swept across the hall, opened the closet, and pulled out a dented foam baseball bat with a flourish. She grinned viciously as she stalked down the hall and slid down the stair railing.

Landing nimbly on her feet at the bottom, she darted to the living room where she could hear her uncle cursing. Marie skidded into the room, aimed…and swung. The mini purple Seeker made the most beautiful screech of terror and pain as he was knocked out the open window and onto the gravel outside.

"HOMERUN!" Marie cheered, pumping her fist in the air.

Callahan raised his brow at her, lowering his arms from their defensive position over his face. "Do Ah even want t' know?"

She grimaced as she straightened up. "Probably not, but…"

"…but Ah'm gonna find out anyways?"

She huffed in resigned amusement as she heard the pitter-patter of tiny feet run into the room behind her. "More like right now."

She didn't get a reply, because her uncle was too busy staring in shock at the tiny bots continuing to run into the room.

"…Marie?" he asked faintly.

"Yeah?"

"…you _sure_ yah didn't touch anything old projects of Fixer's?"

"...I wish."

* * *

 _A/N: So the beginning chapters so far are a little shorter than my average. That'll change as we get farther into the story, though._

 _Oh, and the beginning quotes are conversations between Fixer (Auntie Fisa) and Marie when she was younger. So adorable._


	3. Hide the Future!

Hide the Future!

" _Auntie Fisa! Unca Cal was mean! He switched t' sugar with t' salt!"_

"… _ **um, sweetspark…that was actually me. I was trying to get your uncle."**_

"… _oh. Then you have to help me get 'venge on you!"_

"… _ **you want me to help you prank myself."**_

" _Unless yah want me t' get PopPop t' help me…"_

"… _ **you conniving little brat. I've corrupted you…I'm so proud!"**_

* * *

"Of course it's Wheeljack's fault," Marie sighed as she slumped on the couch next to her uncle, surrounded by bitty bots. The Autobots had claimed the left side of the room, and the Decepticons were on the right. "When isn't it Wheeljack's fault?"

"I'm not that bad!" the engineer protested.

 **"Yes you are,"** multiple bots responded at once. Wheeljack pouted.

"Ah wanna know how yah know so much abou' us," Jazz asked carefully from his perch on the coffee table.

"We sure this isn't Fixer's fault?" Callahan interrupted her answer, still staring incredulously at the bots.

Marie rolled her eyes. "Like Auntie Fisa would mess with her precious collection. Do you even remember what she did when Popcorn accidentally broke one of them?"

Callahan shuddered. "So fluffy…right, point taken."

Shaking her head, Marie looked back at the bots. "We know about you because in this universe, you're a fictional series. Just a story. You don't actually exist. Although plenty of fans dream about actually meeting you," she muttered to herself.

Pause.

"A…story?" Mirage asked incredulously.

"That's ridiculous!" Starscream screeched.

In response, Callahan turned on the TV. Marie raised a brow when she realized the DVD they watched a couple of months ago was still in there.

"You seriously didn't watch anything while I was backpacking across the country?"

He snorted as the bots' attention was torn between them and the TV showing themselves. "The only reason I watch TV anymore is when you drag me into watching Transformers for nostalgia's sake."

"…fair enough."

"…I don't remember this fight," Bumblebee said slowly.

"Nor do I," Blaster replied.

"…hang on, how long has it been since you guys woke up on Earth?" Marie asked, getting a bad feeling.

"We have been awake approximately three human years," Prowl replied, frowning heavily at the screen.

Which shut itself off directly after his reply.

"Hey! Turn it back on!" a scratched-up Skywarp protested. Marie pointed her bat at him threateningly, making him yelp and duck behind an indignant Starscream.

"Get off, Skywarp!"

"But she's got a bat!" the purple Seeker wailed.

"Why'd yah shu' i' off!?" Jazz whined.

"Because that takes place near the end of the original series. I'm not giving your possible future away," Marie said firmly, getting and walking carefully through the mass of bots to the TV.

"You know our future!?" Breakdown yelped in alarm.

"We're all dead, aren't we," Dead End stated listlessly as his brother hid behind him.

Marie rolled her eyes as she grabbed the Transformers G1 box set, leaving behind all the other Transformers series. "Don't be ridiculous. I- er, we- only know a possible future. But this never happened in the series, and it was created and aimed at a younger audience, which means it's probably not very accurate anyways."

Callahan groaned suddenly. "Oh, don't start quoting Fixer on her multiverse theories again…"

The young woman grinned over at her equally-as-ginger uncle. "Aw, but I love making you miserable…" she teased as she left the room to go lock the G1 series in Fixer's customized attic safe. (Which was actually hidden in the AC unit outside the back door, but the only way to access the hidden panel was to go through the secret tunnel in the attic and down to the Warren. Marie both hated and loved her sadistic Auntie's paranoia. Still, she couldn't deny it made life more interesting…)

"Fixer so totally corrupted you!" he called after her as a couple of Bots and Cons trailed after her.

"Frag yeah!" she called back.

Her uncle snorted in exasperated amusement, shaking his head. "That woman was such a bad influence…"

"Was?" Prowl questioned as the rest of the Autobots and Deceptions in the room glared at each other suspiciously.

Callahan's face went carefully blank. "…Fixer was murdered three years ago tomorrow. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to take the pizza to the kitchen…"

Prowl shared a glance with his Prime and fellow officers as the older human left the room.

* * *

"Why the frag do you have a secret tunnel in your attic?" Rumble was baffled.

"Because Auntie Fisa was paranoid and a sadistic fragger," Marie answered dryly as she opened the heavy panel a little wider. "Sorry, you guys can't come with. It would completely defeat the purpose of hiding it in the first place."

"Aw, come on," Jazz cajoled the ginger. "Don' leave us hangin'!"

"Hanging is exactly what you would be doing if you came along," she deadpanned, pointing down the tiny, cramped passageway… _with no floor._ The only way to get across the two-story drop to the landing on the other side was by leaping from exposed beam to exposed beam, which were each at least seven feet apart. And the ceiling was too low to jump high enough to get across, too!

"How the frag are you gonna get across that!?" Frenzy exclaimed.

Marie grinned. "Auntie passed on her ninja skills. Ta-ta guys, see you in a couple of minutes!" She closed the panel behind her, locking the bots out. And then she took a single step forwards…and fell.

* * *

Jazz scowled mentally at the closed panel. Fraggin' thing was too heavy to move even with everyone working together! He'd have to find another way in…

* * *

Marie fell two stories down and missed the ground by inches, falling instead into the top of the tunnel slide that lead to the sub-basement that Fixer had excavated and padded with many, many mattresses many years ago. She chuckled wryly as she rolled off the pile and onto the hand-tiled, manually reinforced tunnel. _And thus I enter the Warren,_ she thought wryly. _Not to be confused with the Lair, which is centered around the workshop and completely separate from this system. At least, I think it's separate. You never know with Auntie Fisa…_

The Warren, as she and her uncles had dubbed Fixer's giant underground maze of tunnels, was one of the most confusing, unpredictable, and dangerous systems they'd ever seen. It was the product of years of boredom and innumerable fits of sadistic paranoia. There was no map- Fixer had been the only one who knew the entirety of it. And now that she was gone, well…let's just say Marie felt sorry for whatever unfortunate sucker accidentally wandered in here, because they would never be rescued.

(And the Warren was designed with protecting the family in mind. The Lair was even more deadly…which was why they hadn't even gone near it after Fixer died.)

Luckily, Fixer had taught her family how to get around the upper levels of the Warren safely, otherwise they'd never be able to access the safes without uprooting most of the property.

 _Let's see…AC safe is the first left, right? Yeah, that's right. And this is why she taught me to always carry a flashlight. You never know when you might need to enter the Warren._

* * *

 _A/N: Fixer was 37 when she died. She lived with the Callahans for almost twenty years. That leaves her with_ a lot _of free time on her hands…_

… _and we all know how Fixer hates having nothing to do. XD_

 _So, yeah. Marie's gonna have fun thinking up ways to keep the bots from getting their servos on the G1 series!_


	4. Squishy Victory

Squishy Victory

"… _ **dare I ask, sweetspark?"**_

" _Unca Cal dumped Pepto-Bismol on my head!"_

" _ **Then we'll just have to make him colorful in return, won't we?"**_

" _Yeah! Polka dots an' sparklies!"_

" _ **Your wish is my command, madam."**_

* * *

Marie walked in through the back door (she had emerged from the Warren over by the old oak tree)…and promptly facepalmed. Callahan was sitting in the kitchen, munching on pizza contentedly, and not doing anything to interfere with the current argument/fight between the two cybertronian factions.

(The microwave dinged off to the side, making it very hard to resist a heavy sigh. Of course Uncle Cal would make popcorn.)

Coming to a decision, the woman walked over to her uncle and plopped down beside him. Stopping the fight could wait until _after_ she'd eaten.

And of course, right as she decided that, certain bots noticed she was back.

"How the frag did you do that!?" Frenzy sputtered, pointing accusingly at her.

"Do what?" she replied nonchalantly, grabbed a slice of pizza off her uncle's plate. He scowled at her and wrapped himself protectively around it, scooting away.

"Get back in here! We were watching the stairs and you never came down them!"

Their conversation was attracting attention from the combatants. The fight was slowly dying off as more and more stopped to listen.

"That's because I came in through the back door."

"Wha- but you went in the attic! How did you get downstairs!?"

"That's a secret~" she sang, smirking smugly at his frustration.

"Bro, the tunnel must've lead downstairs or onto the roof, where she just climbed down. Duh," Rumble said.

"Actually, there was no climbing involved," Marie hummed, taking a bite of her (wonderful, glorious) pizza. Yessss…foooood…

"What!?"

"Root beer?" Callahan offered the giant bottle to her, hazel eyes dancing with laughter at her tormenting the bots.

"Yes please."

"Did you fragging jump down to the ground?" Frenzy cried in annoyance.

"Nope."

"Did you slide down?!" Rumble scowled.

"Part of the way."

"Did you- wait, seriously? You slid down?" the Cassette twins did a double take.

"Only once I hit the ground." Marie hid her smirk behind her cup as that only confused and irritated everyone further.

"That doesn't make any sense!" Skywarp wailed.

"Uh…was there a slide in the ground?" Sideswipe offered up.

"Yep."

 **"SERIOUSLY!?"** a fair amount of the bots cried.

"I'm not Sirius," Marie replied seriously, causing Callahan to snort into his root beer.

 **"…WHAT!?"**

"He's buried out back," she hooked a thumb over her shoulder before returning to her pizza.

Her uncle took pity on them, as Rumble and Frenzy looked aggravated enough to spontaneously combust. "We had a pet fish named Sirius. Fixer and Marie specifically named him just so they could mess with people about it. Just don't mean anything to do with being Sirius-"

"Who would want to be a fish?" Marie made a face.

Callahan ignored her with the ease of long practice. "-and you'll be good."

"Although I supposed it'd be kinda cool in the short term…" she hummed thoughtfully.

Her uncle just shook his head at her and turned back to the bots. "Now then, can you guys work out some sort of temporary truce? I don't want my house destroyed."

Naturally, Megatron sneered at this. "Who's going to stop us, fleshbag? You?"

"Nope," Callahan replied easily. "She is."

Marie suddenly loomed over the gunmetal gray bot from out of nowhere, startling him. "Did you just insult my uncle?" she rumbled darkly, glaring at the bot through narrowed eyes.

Megatron recovered easily, even as everyone around him started edging away. "You dare threaten me, squishy?! I am Lord Megatron!"

The ginger smiled suddenly, causing even Megaton to falter. "I am the woman who's five times your size. And right now…" she leaned down "…you are the easily squished one."

Naturally, Megatron did not take kindly to this, and attempted to shoot her. The Autobots started forwards in alarm, but Marie dodged it easily.

"Oh please," she scoffed, grabbing the Decepticon leader's foot and dangling him upside-down in the air in front of her. "Auntie Fisa's foam darts were harder to dodge from across the entire fraggin' room. That was just pathetic."

"Put me down!" Megatron raged, continuing to attempt to hit her. She avoided the wild attacks with contemptuous ease. "Decepticons! Attack!"

The Autobots prepared to fight as the Deceptions obeyed their master…and were promptly smacked across the room by Callahan, who was wielding a long broom.

"Got your back, gremlin," he said lazily, twirling his makeshift weapon easily.

"Thanks, Uncle Cal. Now then," she turned her attention back to the bot dangling from her hand, trying very hard not to laugh at the Autobots' dumbfounded expressions. "What should we do with you?"

"Destroy him!" Starscream cheered flying up to hover besides her, making his (part-time) leader yell about traitors. "Destroy him, and when I am ruler of the Decepticons, we will keep your home intact!"

Marie laughed at that. "I was wondering when you'd make a bid for power, Screamer. Sorry though, his death would make the Decepticons fight amongst themselves, and I really don't want to deal with that whilst you guys are stuck here."

"Put- Me- Down!" Megatron roared as she swung him gently from side-to-side. "I will- Destroy you!"

"Motivating," Marie remarked dryly as Starscream continued to hover by her shoulder, attempting to convince her to off Megatron. "But I think I'll pass. Uncle, any ideas?"

"…Protocol Alpha Gamma One?" He offered, idly swatting away more Decepticons to cheers from some of the Autobots. She was amused to notice that he was gaining a little squad of cheerleaders, primarily composed of Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, Rewind, and Cliffjumper. Prowl was too busy dealing with a panicking leech named Red Alert to reprimand them properly. Optimus was just kind of staring incredulously at Megatron. It looked like he didn't know what to think.

"…nah, that's too nasty, even for the Decepticons. Um…Trek to the Gate?" she replied.

Callahan made a face. "Fixer was such a nerd. 'Trek to the Gate?' Really?"

"Nerd and proud of it," Marie snickered. "But you're right, that doesn't work for this."

Her uncle gained an evil grin suddenly. The Decepticons, who had mostly given up on trying to get past, looked suitably unnerved at the grin. "Oh Marie~" he sang.

She leaned away slightly as Starscream, ever the coward, moved so her head was between him and her uncle. "…yes?"

He gave her a serene smile. "Operation Fuzzy Rats."

Pause.

Marie burst into laughter. "Oh Primus yes! That's perfect!"

* * *

 _A/N: Never underestimate squishies, Megsy. It will not end well for you._

 _Updates will be slow because computers only work intermittently. Might take awhile to fix._


	5. Operation Fuzzy Rats

Operation Fuzzy Rats

" _What Auntie workin' on?"_

" _ **Stuff."**_

" _Helpful Stuff?"_

" _ **Yes. Helpful,**_ **explosive** _ **stuff. That isn't safe for little ones to be around yet. Tell Cal to stay out of here for the next couple of days, will you?"**_

" _Okey-day!"_

* * *

Marie hummed merrily as she rooted around in the cabinets, Megatron still dangling furiously from her other hand. Callahan was idly swatting away the occasional Decepticon that tried to rescue their leader, but most of them had given up on any action for the moment.

"…excuse me, Miss Marie?" Optimus stepped forwards hesitantly. She glanced over at him inquiringly. "What exactly are you planning to do with Megatron?"

"Toss him to the fuzzy rats for a few hours. Nothing that will inflict major physical damage," the woman answered nonchalantly. "Aha!" she cried triumphantly, pulling out…a jar of candied walnuts.

"What's that?" Sideswipe piped up from next to Marie's feet.

"Bait!" she proclaimed cheerfully as she bounced out of the back door and into the yard. Callahan trailed along behind her smugly, as did the rest of the bots. It was like watching a trainwreck- it was horrifying, but they just couldn't look away.

"Bai' fo' wha'?" Jazz inquired as he trotted along behind the human woman, who was still effortlessly dodging Megatron's shots.

"Why, the fuzzy rats, of course!" She stopped outside a run-down shed halfway between the house and the workshop.

"This is so mean," her uncle snickered, batting Soundwave away again as she opened the half-empty jar of walnuts and stuffed Megatron in helm-first.

"Yes. Yes it is," Marie responded cheerfully as she took aim. Oh, she knew perfectly well that Megatron hadn't done anything bad enough to deserve this from her (yet). Just as she knew she was taking her frustration at this entire week out on him…and she did not care. Stress relief was stress relief, and better she take it out on Megatron than her uncle.

"FORE!" she yelled as she chucked the struggling bot in the jar through the shed's broken attic window.

There was a long, horrified pause…

…and then the squirrels descended.

* * *

Hours later, Megatron was still hiding in the Callahans' unused pantry, which the Decepticons had claimed for themselves earlier. Marie had only let him be swarmed by the unending mass of fluff with claws for around fifteen minutes, but even that was evidentially enough to thoroughly freak out the Cons' Leader.

Marie did learn from the Master of Traumatizing Antics, after all…

(Somewhere, a certain Eradicon sneezed. Which confused her, because Cybertronians don't need to sneeze.)

The Autobots had claimed Fixer's old room, at Callahan's request. He didn't want the Decepticons to destroy what few definitely-nonlethal things of Fixer's they had left.

Marie and her uncle had both gone to bed, already dreading tomorrow. It felt like the bots had been here for forever…but it had only been 6 hours. This did not bode well for their (practically nonexistent) patience. If they were this done with the bots already…

…well. Let's just say it was probably a good thing the bots were so much tougher than humans.

* * *

 _ **BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEE-!**_

Marie slammed her hand down on the evil alarm clock. Then she slammed it again. And again.

A bleary, blood-shot grey eye glared out from under the covers. Why wouldn't the accursed thing _just up and die already!?_

Cheerfully, the alarm clock blared on.

* * *

Callahan stumbled into the kitchen, sporting the world's greatest bedhead and narrowly missing the doorway. He trudged past the table to the coffeemaker to obtain the sweet nectar of life…

…then paused, and backtracked a couple of steps to stare.

The Autobots and Decepticons who had been fighting on the table looked back at the red-haired male cautiously.

He stared blankly. Apparently last night wasn't a bad dream.

"…is it dead?" Skywarp asked curiously, inching forward like he wanted to poke the human. Blaster, Cliffjumper, and Bumblebee shifted protectively in front of Callahan.

…damn.

"How would it be moving if it was dead?" Drag Strip declared in disgust.

Slow Blink. How did they have so much energy this early in the day?

Wildrider gasped. "IT'S A ZOMBIE!" he shrieked.

The redhead attempted to process this sudden (LOUD) statement.

All the Cons slowly turned to gaze warily at him.

Callahan's stomach growled. …processing failed.

"…OH SWEET PRIMUS IT'S GOING TO EAT US ALL WE'RE GOING TO DIE AIEEEEEE!" Skywarp freaked and fled. Wildrider followed shortly after, also panicking, leaving Drag Strip to attempt to overtake the other two in order to 'win the race.'

The Autobots stared incredulously after the Cons.

Callahan slowly just turned and ambled over to the coffeemaker. It was too early, and he was far too under-caffeinated for this nonsense.

* * *

Marie snarled, the broken remnants of her desk chair surrounding her.

The alarm clock continued to blare happily at her, surrounded by splinters.

* * *

Callahan, revived by the glorious caffeine, just watched in mild amusement as the Autobots and the Decepticons squabbled over the Gatorade he had gotten out for them. Apparently it was an acceptable substitute for energon. Who knew?

* * *

Eye twitching dangerously, the murderous woman stalked down the hallway to retrieve her metal Fixer-enhanced baseball bat. The Autobots and Decepticons fighting in the hallway were indiscriminately swept out of her way.

* * *

Cal rolled his eyes as the little yellow Autobot relayed the message to him. Apparently Marie had once more forgotten Fixer, tired of buying so many replacement clocks, made her a nigh-invulnerable alarm clock. (Which also had the beneficial side-effect of giving Marie something to target and vent on that wouldn't break. She had some anger issues- obviously- but was gradually getting better.)

Now they just had to make seven replacement chairs every weekend, which was actually much cheaper.

* * *

Marie panted as she slumped on the bed, baseball bat resting besides her without a single scratch on it. She felt much better now, after having vented all her irritation at both the morning and their current visitors.

The alarm clock, reaching the end of its automatic timer, clicked off from where it was embedded into the table, totally unfazed by its ordeal.

(The freaked-out and intimidated Cybertronians in the hall were another matter, however.)

* * *

 _A/N: Soooo, yeah, this is really late. And mostly filler. But to be fair, I do have a warning up on my profile about my tendencies for erratic updates._

 _That being said, I have to focus on school, so don't expect another update till Christmas, at least._

 _And I love Callahan. That man just rolls with everything._


	6. Ground Rules

Ground Rules

" _ **Primus, give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the strength to change the things that I can...and the wisdom to hide the dead bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me."**_

" _You really don't like PopPop's coworkers, do you?"_

"… _ **do you even know what 'coworkers' means, sweetspark?"**_

"… _I plead the Fifth?"_

" _ **Heh. Atta girl."**_

* * *

Callahan snickered as Marie contentedly walked down the stairs, putting her hair up in a ponytail as she did so. At the top of the stairs, intimidated, wide-opticed bots tentatively peeked their helms out, watching the crazy squishy go.

"Stop laughing and gimme m'coffee, geezer," Marie idly swatted his shoulder on her way to the fridge.

"Only if you pull out the camera~" he hummed in mischievous glee as he wandered over to the coffeepot.

A grin slid over the woman's face as she pulled out some eggs and bacon. "The asset has already been obtained."

"Excellent…" he chuckled darkly, turning to give his niece her coffee. Their eyes met…and they both burst into truly maniacal evil laughter.

Then, just as suddenly as they had started, they stopped. It was time for breakfast, after all. And after going through so much trouble over the years to enforce the 'no-evil-plots-at-meals' rule with Fixer, it had become a habit to abide by it themselves.

(Not that it made the bots feel any better about their hosts' sanity. Or lack thereof.)

* * *

After they finished breakfast, the two redheads relocated to the living room with their unexpected guests.

"Right, if ya lot are going to stay here till you figure out how to get home, we have to go over some ground rules," Callahan declared, looking at Optimus and Megatron in particular.

"And why should we follow your rules?" Megatron sneered warily, posed to retreat should Marie make a move towards him.

She snorted. "Safety. Your safety, to be precise."

"Is that a threat!?" he snarled, charging his cannon and aiming at her. The Decepticons followed suit as the Autobots took up positions opposite.

"No, it's a side effect of living in the former residence of a mad scientist," Cal remarked dryly, propped his elbow on the couch and his chin in his hand.

"Mad scientist?" Wheeljack perked up.

Ratchet immediately brought out the wrench. **"NO."**

Wheeljack wilted as the rest of the bots and Marie snickered, although her laughter was slightly sad at the reminder of her beloved aunt.

Callahan chuckled softly before sobering in remembrance. "Yeah. Fixer was a heavily traumatized, paranoid, and sadistic genius with little else to do but tinker all day after she became a ward of my brother. Even three years after her death, there are places we just don't go on the property because her traps are still active."

"Most of them are non-lethal until you get close to the Lair," Marie added, "but at your current size, they could easily kill you by accident. So in the interest of safety, it's best if you just avoid those areas altogether."

"Gremlin, why don't you go get the map? Showing them where to avoid will be easier than telling them."

Marie acquiesced easily, skipping lightly up the steps to the attic.

Whilst she was fetching said map, Cal quickly went over the rest of the rules:

1\. Stay out of the indicated areas on the map.

2\. Don't damage the house, furniture, or the equipment needed to work the scrapyard.

3\. Home bases (aka Cal and Marie's bedrooms, and the areas the Autobots and Decepticons claimed as temporary residences) were off-limits to outsiders unless invited.

4\. No fighting at night. Humans need sleep.

5\. No attacking the resident humans between the hours of 12am-8am, or before caffeine has been consumed.

6\. More rules can be added at any time, but cannot be enforced retroactively.

"…wait, that's it?!" Sideswipe burst out incredulously, an emotion shared by all the cybertronians in the room. "You're not going to, I dunno, make a rule against attacking you two during the rest of the day!?"

"It's been really boring around here without Auntie's inventions constantly running amuck," Marie confessed, walking back into the room with a giant cardboard tube under her arm. "Honestly, it'll be just like old times."

"Plus, we're more than capable of defending ourselves," her uncle grinned, standing up to help his niece get the map out of the tube. "Fixer made sure of that."

Marie shuddered in remembrance. "So many clashing colors…"

"And glitter. You can't forget the glitter."

"Why would you bring that back up, I was doing so well at suppressing the memories of it!"

"Muahaha, now you must suffer with me!"

The young woman cursed her uncle out creatively as he continued to laugh manaically.

"These squishies are all glitched," Skywarp hissed, edging behind Thundercracker. Bots from both factions nodded in unnerved agreement.

" _Anyways,"_ Marie scowled, ignoring her uncle in favor of spreading out the giant map on the floor. "The Blue and Grey areas are the safest, with no active traps. None were ever set in Blue, and Grey are what we've managed to clear over the past three years. Green has minimal, minor non-lethal traps. Yellow has middling levels of non-lethal and Orange has high levels. Red is a mix of non-lethal and lethal traps, and Pink is the greatest hazard, with heavy levels of extremely lethal traps."

"What the frag?" Scavenger muttered, Mixmaster peering over his shoulder.

"But there's hardly any Blue, Green, or Grey!" Hound exclaimed in alarm, Mirage looking over the map with raised brows beside him.

Sure enough, the house and the driveway were the only Blue areas. A thick stripe of Green outlined them, and covered the majority of the scrapyard itself. The Grey areas were only in the scrapyard, and in a thin stripe leading towards a building labeled 'Lair' that petered out halfway.

The rest of the map showed the property was banded in layers of increasing severity, going from the outside in. It was all primarily non-lethal, though, except for the 'Lair,' which was a solid Pink wrapped in Red. The entrance was the only other color in the vicinity- a small splash of Orange marked it, and the path leading to it, until it ran into the thin stripe of Grey.

"What necessitated this level of security?!" Prowl asked in alarm, glancing up at their human hosts.

Marie shrugged. "I dunno why Auntie was so paranoid. _Someone_ refuses to tell me," she added with a pointed glare at her uncle.

Callahan just shook his head slowly, lips pressed into a grim line. "I…suppose you're old enough, now. And I think Fixer would prefer that I be the one to tell you, rather than you finding out through the news coverage of the trial…"

"…trial?"

* * *

 _A/N: I FINALLY GOT A NEW CHAPTER OUT! WHOOHOO!_

 _Ahem. So yes, my first new post in a long time…and I end it with a minor cliffhanger._

 _MUAHAHAHA!_

 _Anyways, I'm still working on other chapters. Hopefully my update rates will pick up now that I don't have to worry about my mom's condition so much. Her prognosis still isn't a whole lot better, but at least she's been stable for a while, and is likely going to_ stay _that way for the holidays._

 _As for Mischief Managed- I've got, like, half of the last chapter for Despicable Fixit. I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO END IT! *Huff, huff* Maybe I'll just skip straight to the aftermath…_

… _aaaand this is getting too long, so ta-ta for now!_

 _P.S. The next chapter is going to have some major trigger warnings, since I will be explaining_ why _Fixit is so messed up._


End file.
